A Blatant Attempt at Overdoing a Good Idea, Part XXVI
Greetings! Everyone seemed interested in last month's column about Intel's new product offerings, so I thought that I might follow it up with a similar column about Microsoft. Is this original? No. Is this another example of someone taking a good idea and beating it to death? Maybe. Will Mac Junkie do the same next month? That depends on whether or not I can get the editors to agree on a "Best of Mac Junkie" special in February's issue. Anyway, on with this month's column!
As I'm sure you all know, Microsoft is known worldwide as "The Innovator of Imitation" and Bill (Mr. Gates if you're nasty) doesn't want to take a chance on losing that title to someone else. He plans on introducing a whole set of productivity add-ons for the current Microsoft product user. Bill wants you to have the entire "Microsoft Experience." That is one where you use Microsoft products from the moment you wake until the moment you go to bed (If this bodes true, I'm going to start investing heavily in the alcohol and aspirin industries). What will Microsoft introduce in 1998? Sit back and read (I can see your lips moving).
 
Mac Junkie, Once Again, Goes the Distance for You
Retrieving this information for you, the reader, isn't as easy as you'd like to think. Rumor has it that Bill keeps all of his top secret files on a Mac server so they cannot be broken into. Another factor is that Olga Dell, the Silicon Valley's leading fortune teller, doesn't know much about the goings-on in Seattle. To tell you the truth, she's spent the last month trying to figure out how to get the Commodore 64 to work. I keep telling her that it's ",8,1" but she never listens. I'm not going to tell her anymore unless she can give me the goods on why Hanson is so popular.
To get the information this month, I 
had to offer a sacrifice to the Sound
Garden sculpture in Seattle, seer of all
in Washington. This month I dug
down deep and pulled out an Amiga
(Commodores go-a-flyin' in this
column) to sacrifice to the Sound
Garden. I also had to lay down 25
copies of "Screaming Life" in front of
my stereo and scream "Sink, load, n'
fire, till the empire's reaped what
they've sown" every time I entered a room for a week. Can you believe the things I do for you people? Well, at least I didn't have to say "Where do you want to go today?" which is only slightly better than "boop beep bop beep" (the Intel jingle for those of you who can't read "jingle").
 
What's New at Microsoft?
Not wanting to alert the DoJ, Bill plans on starting small, very small, starting with the MS PaperClip. It's a lot like your average paper clip, but it's compatible only with printouts from Microsoft products. Apparently, you cannot use it to eject a disk from a Mac, so don't attempt it. It'll probably install IE4 if you try. How does Microsoft plan on selling their own brand of proprietary paper clips? First, they'll give them away and then scare everyone into using them by saying something like "90% of Fortune 500 companies use our paper clips. You should too or you will die a slow, miserable death." Other desktop utilities will be added later: MS Stapler, MS pencils and pens, and a woozle named Peanut (if you get that reference, e-mail me at macjunkie@applewizards.net).
The next product from the vaults at Microsoft will be Bill's leap into the board game market: MS Monopoly '98. The basic idea is the same as the original Monopoly except all of the properties are companies which Microsoft owns or plans to put out of business. Netscape is "Boardwalk" and costs $9 million (Apple has fallen down to the green properties since Microsoft actually invested in it). I wouldn't want to be the banker. They plan on updating this game about once a year but never on time. Older versions will become slow and buggy when played (as if the newer versions aren't already slow and buggy) and will eventually self-destruct. MS Monopoly '98 will cost about $200 (I'm thinking, "Hmm...a Power3D or MS Monopoly...tough call.")
Microsoft also plans to continue its attack on the video game industry by releasing MS Star Trek '98. It's object is "To seek out strange, new life, steal their technology, and destroy their civilization by giving them all Microsoft Bob." That should be a fun game. It takes "advantage" of all the latest Microsoft innovations in technology, such as DirectX. And it only requires a 300 MHz Pentium II, running Windows 95 (v.4.00.111111). Everyone has one of those, right? Apparently, Bill has a fetish for Spock's ears and wears them every time he plays the game, dreams of the game, or plays table tennis.
This leads us to the next amazing product from Microsoft's gaming division, MS Pong. Apparently, it came to Bill in a dream and is truly unique. I wanted to get you some screen shots, but Microsoft is pretty secretive about this one. MS Pong involves two paddles, one on the left and one on the right side of the screen, hitting a ball back and forth. Points are scored by hitting past your opponent. Finally, a program that takes advantage of the MMX graphics extensions!
 
And You Thought Microsoft was Done!
Ha! The final item that Microsoft plans to bring to the market in 1998 is MS Pastrami. Believe it or not, Microsoft wants to take over the company cafeteria, too. They plan on marketing this as the only brand of pastrami that will last up to two years without refrigeration. Of course, the little effects that two years have on pastrami are called "features" by Bill. It's supposed to be pretty cool to see it turn green as time passes, and if you eat it with genuine Microsoft Mustard, you get all of the colors of the rainbow. If only the colors were inverse, they might have a chance of being cool! : )
 
Thanks Bill!
What have we learned today, kids? We've learned that in the spirit of giving, Microsoft plans on taking over the entire world, one paper clip at a time. We've also learned that I can spend two months basically talking about the same subject and get away with it. Next month will probably be about something different, but there are no guarantees. As always, write me and let me know how this column personally touched you. I will, of course, apologize and promise never to do it again. Until next month...
